I don't think you want sex
I don't think I want sex.
Well, not quite, because I do want sex, but I think not as often as I want the things that sex comes with. Physical validation, security, intimacy, cuddles. Most of the time I want cuddles.
I don't think it's wrong to say that sex is a core component of human society. In fact, I am likely to say that sex is the core component of human society1. It's in bed with power, and also with love, and also with many other things, and when (the general) you proclaim that you want sex, I think you're very often meaning that you want power, or love, or many other things.
Sex and Power
I expect some people are going to read this and think "wow she has really terrible sex, huh" and that's not the point. Also false. The point is that sex is so often conflated with power that we confuse one for the other.
For example, when fashion and fragrance are marketed, they're often marketed in terms of sexual worth2. Some of the most popular women's perfumes on the market - Black Opium, Good Girl (a little on the nose), Black Orchid, Prada Paradoxe - are marketed as man-killer perfumes. Their value is rooted in the perception of sexuality.
I don't think people want sex (the action, the pleasure, etc.) as much as they think. Most of the time, they want to be perceived as valuable, worthy, and socially powerful. When people, especially men, talk about sex, I often get the feeling that it's not because they've had exemplary intimate experiences, but because they want to communicate this vague personal worth. If people wanted sex as much as they talk about wanting it, you'd think they'd do a better job of it.
Instead, the way we dress, the way we boast, and the way we shop all use sexuality as a marker to communicate power, value, and wealth.
Sex and Intimacy
Most of the time I want cuddles. That's been stated, but I think it's worth noting that there's more to this than just communicating social worthiness.
Sex is one of the few (and for men, maybe the only) socially acceptable ways to get even the barest amount of physical intimacy. People were made for hugs and cuddles and napping together. I do all of that with my friends, but for a lot of people I expect these things are off-limits except for (sexual) partners, and even if they aren't fully restricted, often difficult to ask for. Your sexual partner is the person you're *supposed* to cuddle. The language of sex, then, is a key for people to access the physical intimacy that social norms withhold from them.
I was in a fling of sorts with this electrical engineer last year, and we only properly had sex once. We'd flirt, and text suggestively, and talk about our kinks, but when he was in my house all he really wanted was to cuddle up, makeout, and yap (frustrating me immensely at the time), and now I kinda know why. The language of sex was his key to physical intimacy but that didn't necessarily mean he wanted sex itself. He wanted cuddles and kisses and someone other than his guy-friends to talk to. The only way he knew how to communicate that was via sex.
Now that I'm in a long-term relationship, I'm finding myself in similar shoes. I like sex, but it's a lot and I usually don't want it all that much. I want cuddles, I want cozy kisses, I want the security of being in my lover's arms. Very rarely do I actually want to do the deed, so to speak.
footnotes
not that you can't do without! plenty of people do, but on a societal level i believe it's foundational
especially toward women
Song of the Day
bad thing (bunny hop) by ari