Porn & Intimacy
Disclaimer: I wrote this one in a bit of a rush so I apologize if they're any typos or inconsistencies with my thoughts! Will update soon enough I think.
So, I had another nightmare1.
That, alongside the linked reel (below), inspired this post. I think it's time we talk about what intimacy is (and isn't), what exactly porn sells, and what that does to humans - both the sexually marginalized and the patriarchs.
To start, a quote from a reel, which itself is a summary of a Substack post.
The other person stops being a subject and starts being a stimulus. You don't meet a body, but an idea.
- @olamolam8
We'll address it again at the end, but as you read, I want you to keep it in mind.
Porn - What is it?
This may be TMI for some of you, but I engage with porn of a sort. I don't watch it - that hasn't really been a thing for me - but I read smut every now and then (first on Wattpad, and now in paperback pulp romance novels or omegaverse fics/novels; when I need a break between serious reads) and listen to erotica now and then.
I don't think there's a problem with that. Intimacy is a beautiful and wonderful thing, and the idea that we can write and share stories about it is beautiful to me too. It's art, literally, no matter the quality of writing. Sometimes, even, the writing is really good.
We don't call erotica (neither literary nor auditory) porn, for some reason. We call it erotica. So if porn isn't this (erotica), what is it?
Merriam Webster has three definitions for pornography.
- The depiction of erotic behavior (as in pictures, movies, or writing) intended to cause sexual excitement
- Material (such as books, movies, or photographs) that depicts erotic behavior and is intended to cause sexual excitement
- The depiction of acts in a sensational manner so as to arouse a quick intense emotional reaction (eg. "the pornography of violence")
There is a throughline here that porn is about sexual excitement, or as I would term it, sexual stimulus. So thoroughly is that concept held, that in the final definition we can abandon the sex altogether and use porn as a term to describe any intense emotional stimulus at all.
Porn is a stimulant, most often associated with sex, but also with violence, shame, material desire, and so on. It is often, I think, about using shockingly intense emotions to draw out your wallet and get your money flowing. It is a stimulant, and not a benign one. It contains unhealthy intentions.
Is Sexual Stimulus Bad?
I'm adding this subsection to clarify a thought I suspect to be brewing in some of your heads.
Sexual stimulus is not bad. I read and listen to smut sometimes, and it gets me in the mood. This is known. Also to be known is that it makes me feel cozy, and blooms on memories and desires of intimacy.
To me, the issue with porn (among others listed further on in this post) is that it is non-intimate. It relies on shock-value and sensory overstimulation - typically visual, given the strength of that factor - and is not good-natured. There is money involved, and where money is involved with sex, it is rarely beneficial to either the human product or the human consumer, and instead to the manager of the exchange2.
I don't believe that porn is bad because it contains sexual stimuli. I believe porn is bad because it weaponizes it, and in doing so publishes a horrific worldview.
So What's the Problem With Porn?
To recap, and to outline the following section,
- (Industrial) Commercialization -- sex workers in the porn industry are rarely in control of the terms and choice of their work
- Addiction -- porn sells a drug-like sexual stimulus that eats at the consumer like a parasitic worm in the heart
- De-personalization of the Subject -- porn emphasizes a one-way pipeline of physical action to viewer pleasure, removing the subject entirely and promoting a culture of sex that devalues women's pleasure
- Non-intimacy -- the one-way pipeline of physical action to viewer pleasure devalues the non-physical components of intimacy both in the moment and in the generalized culture of sex
This list is non-exhaustive, but it's a start!
Intimacy and Smut
The world teaches and is taught that over-stimulus (if such a term exists, though if not, I coin it here), men's pleasure, and physical behaviors are what sexuality is all about. This I believe to be largely false, as we have discussed, though I think I may still do a clarifying round on it.
To be clear, over-stimulus, men's pleasure, and physicality do not define intimacy3. Conversely, intimacy as it truly is - being jointly constructed over the course of a relationship (however short) rather than singularly performed - is devalued in men's spaces as a feminine notion and in women's spaces (at times) as an unrealistic expectation of men4.
This section exists to provide an alternative to porn and the worldview it proposes. We just discussed an alternate worldview, now let's discuss alternative sexual media!
Something that may surprise you about smut is how little sex happens. Like sure, there's some stuff that's just the main characters going at it for chapters, but the majority I'd say is plot and fluff. The spice, when it does happen, isn't always sex, but often sex-adjacent (spanking, heavy flirting, heavy petting5, etc.).
In that way, I think smut is actually a really good depiction of actual romance. It involves a lot of dates, and the main characters slowly getting to know each other, and the build-up of trust, and eventually and occassionally, sex. The sex, also, is not always intense and physical. I read a pulp romance book once about a painter and a writer who fell in love, and the main sex scene was him painting on her for fun (and doing things at the same time of course, it is sex after all). That was like, so good. In Fourth Wing, there are a couple sex scenes, but a lot of the book is this rivals-to-lovers teasing. It's so good. So so good. It puts forth a worldview about sex that is based on intimacy and trust. When it gets very physical / action-oriented, it remains emotionally complex.
It's sad to me that smut as it exists here is devalued. Sexual media can be good6. It's not some fundamental evil thing. It's just that the mainstream (read: popular among men) cases of it are very very bad for the actors and actresses involved, for the viewers, and for the culture of sex as a whole.
What Can You Do?
A couple opinions.
- Stop watching porn (if you do). Easier said than done, porn can be addictive. But try to instead read/watch/listen to media that's less porn-like and more smut-like. Focus on sexual media that's made by individuals, rather than corporations, especially.
- Challenge porn-esque notions of sex. Wherever and whenever possible! If a friend says something you think is wrong, call it out. Promote a culture that is both sex-positive and sexually healthy.
Ok that's all.
Other Stuff
Song of the day - razorblades, alexis munroe
footnotes
1. i bring this up because i've been thinking a lot about what could've stopped the rape from happening. i made bad decisions! i went out and got drunk alone when i was sad. that part's on me. that being said, people should be allowed to mess up (go out drunk alone and be sad) and not have this happen to them. police weren't useful, because the system devalues the handling of sexual violence on the individual and federal levels. plus, by it's nature, corrective punishment wouldn't stop it from happening in the first place, it just would've hurt a dude who had really messed up ideas about human bodies. friends and community have helped and continue to help, and continue to inspire my belief that governments suck (generally) and the power of friendship is real. but at the end of the day i think what would've been best is if that guy never had this weird notion of "it's ok to take a girl into my car and force her into sex because we flirted once". how would we do that? by improving the culture around sex
2. sex work is work! i am not saying this to devalue sex work, but to add that it often includes (more) exploitation of the worker. sex workers, like engineers, are real workers, and deserve workers' rights, and that truth is not invalidated by the claim that sex workers are exploited more-so than others
3. this isn't to say that intimacy cannot be over-stimulating or physical! sometimes you want to uh, get your brain fucked out, y'know? i think most people want that now and again, and some more often than not, but it still needs to center mutual desire! furthermore, even in such cases, maybe especially in such cases, intimacy remains as a thing that is nurtured over time, rather than an action in and of itself. there's dirty talking that goes into this whole... thing, (and walking on the road-side, and flirting, and dates, and gifts, etc.) in all cases
4. this is a specifically heteronormative understanding, and i know that
5. i hate this term but i don't know of anything better? because it isn't strictly foreplay, you can do it independently of sex
6. do not confuse "good" with "wholesome" - a lot of smut is about mafia bosses and CEOs and 6'6" shadow-wielding magical men with genuinely traumatic backstories (ie. xaden riorson). What I mean by "good" is intimate. The men in this worldview can still be disastrously messed up, and the sex can still be intense and physical. but it ALWAYS includes women's sexuality, and always pairs physical connections with emotional ones